Monday, April 4, 2011

Bloggity Nephew-to-Be

Hello, Blogosphere. Long time no talk. That's ok, because this blog is not for school, and I update it when I feel like it.

I have a Tumblr, and I sometimes update that when I'm feeling funny, or random. The only trouble with using my Tumblr to blog is that anyone from my Facebook will immediately see what I post because I have it on a push to my feed. It's fine for some things like random pictures or whatever, but not everyone takes the time to come to my info page and scroll down to see that I have a blog.

It's like my life online on 3 levels: Public (Facebook), Semi-Public (Tumblr), and Semi-Private (This blog). Most of the people I know or talk to who I ask if they've ready my blog think I'm speaking about my Tumblr, and normally I'm not. I also don't update this one as often, so I can see why not a lot of people would come here. I can to work on this.

So, what do I owe this rare occasion? I am blogging today because I am going to have a new little nephew born soon. He will be my first nephew. My husband already has a nephew and so I've just had him until now. It will be neat to know that my big brother is the dad of my nephew. I'm excited to hold him and to play cars with him when he gets older. I love my little niece, but a boy is just so different from a girl. I already know he's going to be super outgoing and incredibly smart.

I had the best weekend ever. My cousin V had her 21st Birthday party and so my husband and I worked on making a soccer cake with a 21 and the letter V on it. I think it turned out super cute. Here's a picture of it:

I think it's some of our most professional work yet, but I'm probably just biased. :) We have done some other good stuff too - but the difference between this job and other ones is the fact that we got paid. It was a different feeling - and good for us to think about how we want to run this as a business someday.

I will probably be posting mostly pictures here of my niece and nephew. I get so exited to show people how super cute my niece is and so I sometimes worry that people on Facebook are like "another one?!" So I think putting them here will help me with that. :)

Another work week. School for this semester is almost over, I just have a few weeks left. It's been an interesting experience, to say the least. I think I will still go back to school again in the summer. I was debating - but it keeps me busy and not bored to be in school, so it's a good thing. Ish.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Can't wait much longer

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
In the shatter of us collapsed.
That cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says: "Time heals everything."
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
Turning the sign around;
We're closed to the Earth 'til further notice.
Stumbling cliché case -
Crumpled and puffy-faced -
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles.

All I want: only one street-level miracle.
I'll be a an out-and-out, born again from none more cynical.

Everybody says that time heals everything all in the end.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here cold?
We'll be long gone by then.
And lackluster in dust we lay
'round old magazines.
Fluorescent lighting sets the scene
For all we could and should be being
In the one life that we've got.

In the one life that we've got.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?

Are we just going to wait it out?
Sit here. Just going to wait it out?
Sit here cold. Just going to sweat it out?

Wait it out.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I want to fly...

Maybe she said she was going to tell/ She was going
Or maybe he knew she was going to tell/ She was going

The back, the back, the back/ I didn't know it was your back
Oh run away Genevieve/ Run through the woods/ Run there

Are you at home in bed?, aware?, scared?
It's so dark there/ I feel it in the air
The rage is still under the surface

I want to fly
Give me your pain
I'll take it away

My troubled people
Maybe she said she was going to tell/ She was going
Or maybe she knew she was going to die/ She was going

I want to fly
Give me your pain
I'll take it away

My troubled people
Oh give yourself over to the answers
Oh give yourself over to the medicine
Oh give yourself over to the answers
Oh give yourself over to the medicine

Genevieve, where was God?
Genevieve, where was....

I understand/ I understand
I move from the most innocent to the guiltiest
into another land........

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Must. Eat.

For the first time - ever - I feel like I have to force myself to eat. I don't like this. I hope I can make it through this day.

Friday, January 22, 2010

50th Post - Killer at Large

When I first started this blog, I didn't know I would ever have 50 posts. I obviously should have many more, but I am still pretty proud of the fact that I even got to 50. I wasn't sure what I was going to post for my 50th post, but decided that I would share something with you that I am proud of.

May 23, 2007 - thinking back to this time in my life... I had been working for eBay for almost 6 months and I was in the thickest part of being a busy Account Manager. I remember coming home from work on the day I was to be filmed for the documentary Killer at Large. (You can also find it on iTunes)

When the director and his cameraman arrived, they rushed around moving things this way and that way... my couch forward, my table back, my new palm tree into the corner... they closed the blinds and put up big tripods and light fixtures. They had me sit down on my couch, and put a mic on me... I felt so important!

The interview lasted about an hour, the director asked me all sorts of questions, from things like my life in high school, to my dating life as an overweight person, to having gastric bypass surgery and losing 200 lbs. It was very interesting to talk about some of the things I hadn't thought about in a long time. I was able to express things that I wouldn't have even thought of talking about.

I really felt like what I said would give a voice to overweight people who don't often feel comfortable sharing. I said things that I would not have talked about when I was fat. Because those things usually go unsaid.

I talked about inadvertent discrimination, in all aspects. Such as not getting opportunities, not feeling as smart, not wanting to try, accepting the fate of being fat, and not being seen as a sexual or physically attractive person.

Feeling out of place. Feeling awkward. Thinking about things that thin people don't. Overthinking things that thin people don't think about at all. Things like "I hope my back fat isn't hanging over the side of this chair." and "I am uncomfortable right now because I know my shirt is stuffed in between my stomach rolls, and I'm afraid someone will notice if I pull it out. But if I don't pull it out, then they will see my fat. I will think of a distraction and make a funny joke, and when they're laughing, I'll pull my shirt out."

Thin people might laugh at that or think that the overweight person is crazy. But I guarantee you, this is just the tip of the iceberg. And it's sad because overweight people don't want to think that way, but irrational thoughts like that are so common, it's scary.

And you all wonder why I overthink EVERYTHING.

I also spoke of addiction, and how food is like a drug to me. I compared eating 4 Big Macs in the middle of a busy mall food court to shooting up heroin in the same place. People may look at you funny if they noticed 4 Big Macs on a tray - but they wouldn't stop you or call the police. You seem much more likely to die from heroin - but the numbers are actually in favor of obesity if you compare drug overdose to obesity as cause of death.

It's easy to maintain a food addiction in this country. It's generally socially acceptable to eat in public... even if you are considered "morbidly obese" because food is a necessity - something like air or water. And sadly, food is as accessible (and almost as cheap) in America as air or water is.

Now - I would like to share the section of my interview that made it into the film. I didn't actually see all of those things I said make it into the final cut. I remember being sad that my comments about addiction and abuse of food didn't make it in. The stuff that made it in was really "my story" and how I overcame my problem of obesity.

I still struggle with my addiction to food every day. I don't let it control me as much, and I don't focus on the negative that came with the guilt associated with food. I am sharing this today mostly to remind myself that I have come a long way, and that my road is special. I sometimes struggle to remember that I was built to overcome adversity and tough stuff. I feel weak - but really I am strong. Now, if I could only just fix my brain...

Monday, January 18, 2010


I spent the weekend with my sister and her husband. We had such a great time, and I got to spend some real quality time with my new neice. She is so darling! I am working on uploading some photos of her, but in the meantime, here are a couple of videos I made. These are from her birthday. More to come!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Procrastination Motivation

I often get discouraged, and worry that I will never really feel extremely motivated. I forget that this is a lifelong struggle for a lot of us. I am throwing an open question out to you: What do you do to motivate yourself to get going or to work on something you don't really want to do?

Like the greatest procrastinators of all time, I usually distract myself with something I'd RATHER do instead of what I SHOULD be doing. That is classic procrastination, no?

I figured out a positive way to procrastinate... but it can backfire. I've learned to give myself another choice of something else I'm procrastinating and decide to do the "lesser of two evils". It works pretty well.

An example is cleaning my office. If I'd rather not clean my office, I give myself another choice of cleaning my bathroom. I'd rather clean my office than clean my bathroom - so I end up cleaning my office to procrastinate cleaning my bathroom. Then, when I think of exercising - I will clean my bathroom before going for a walk. It can be bad if there is something I REALLY don't want to do, because I think of a million other things I can do instead. This is where things fall through the cracks.

What do you do to motivate yourself? Do you have a similar form of distraction? This form is not always positive, but it works for me. Now that I've distracted myself from cleaning my office and then working, I think I'll get up and go clean the bathroom so I can exercise. ;)