Friday, January 22, 2010

50th Post - Killer at Large

When I first started this blog, I didn't know I would ever have 50 posts. I obviously should have many more, but I am still pretty proud of the fact that I even got to 50. I wasn't sure what I was going to post for my 50th post, but decided that I would share something with you that I am proud of.

May 23, 2007 - thinking back to this time in my life... I had been working for eBay for almost 6 months and I was in the thickest part of being a busy Account Manager. I remember coming home from work on the day I was to be filmed for the documentary Killer at Large. (You can also find it on iTunes)

When the director and his cameraman arrived, they rushed around moving things this way and that way... my couch forward, my table back, my new palm tree into the corner... they closed the blinds and put up big tripods and light fixtures. They had me sit down on my couch, and put a mic on me... I felt so important!

The interview lasted about an hour, the director asked me all sorts of questions, from things like my life in high school, to my dating life as an overweight person, to having gastric bypass surgery and losing 200 lbs. It was very interesting to talk about some of the things I hadn't thought about in a long time. I was able to express things that I wouldn't have even thought of talking about.

I really felt like what I said would give a voice to overweight people who don't often feel comfortable sharing. I said things that I would not have talked about when I was fat. Because those things usually go unsaid.

I talked about inadvertent discrimination, in all aspects. Such as not getting opportunities, not feeling as smart, not wanting to try, accepting the fate of being fat, and not being seen as a sexual or physically attractive person.

Feeling out of place. Feeling awkward. Thinking about things that thin people don't. Overthinking things that thin people don't think about at all. Things like "I hope my back fat isn't hanging over the side of this chair." and "I am uncomfortable right now because I know my shirt is stuffed in between my stomach rolls, and I'm afraid someone will notice if I pull it out. But if I don't pull it out, then they will see my fat. I will think of a distraction and make a funny joke, and when they're laughing, I'll pull my shirt out."

Thin people might laugh at that or think that the overweight person is crazy. But I guarantee you, this is just the tip of the iceberg. And it's sad because overweight people don't want to think that way, but irrational thoughts like that are so common, it's scary.

And you all wonder why I overthink EVERYTHING.

I also spoke of addiction, and how food is like a drug to me. I compared eating 4 Big Macs in the middle of a busy mall food court to shooting up heroin in the same place. People may look at you funny if they noticed 4 Big Macs on a tray - but they wouldn't stop you or call the police. You seem much more likely to die from heroin - but the numbers are actually in favor of obesity if you compare drug overdose to obesity as cause of death.

It's easy to maintain a food addiction in this country. It's generally socially acceptable to eat in public... even if you are considered "morbidly obese" because food is a necessity - something like air or water. And sadly, food is as accessible (and almost as cheap) in America as air or water is.

Now - I would like to share the section of my interview that made it into the film. I didn't actually see all of those things I said make it into the final cut. I remember being sad that my comments about addiction and abuse of food didn't make it in. The stuff that made it in was really "my story" and how I overcame my problem of obesity.

I still struggle with my addiction to food every day. I don't let it control me as much, and I don't focus on the negative that came with the guilt associated with food. I am sharing this today mostly to remind myself that I have come a long way, and that my road is special. I sometimes struggle to remember that I was built to overcome adversity and tough stuff. I feel weak - but really I am strong. Now, if I could only just fix my brain...

Monday, January 18, 2010


I spent the weekend with my sister and her husband. We had such a great time, and I got to spend some real quality time with my new neice. She is so darling! I am working on uploading some photos of her, but in the meantime, here are a couple of videos I made. These are from her birthday. More to come!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Procrastination Motivation

I often get discouraged, and worry that I will never really feel extremely motivated. I forget that this is a lifelong struggle for a lot of us. I am throwing an open question out to you: What do you do to motivate yourself to get going or to work on something you don't really want to do?

Like the greatest procrastinators of all time, I usually distract myself with something I'd RATHER do instead of what I SHOULD be doing. That is classic procrastination, no?

I figured out a positive way to procrastinate... but it can backfire. I've learned to give myself another choice of something else I'm procrastinating and decide to do the "lesser of two evils". It works pretty well.

An example is cleaning my office. If I'd rather not clean my office, I give myself another choice of cleaning my bathroom. I'd rather clean my office than clean my bathroom - so I end up cleaning my office to procrastinate cleaning my bathroom. Then, when I think of exercising - I will clean my bathroom before going for a walk. It can be bad if there is something I REALLY don't want to do, because I think of a million other things I can do instead. This is where things fall through the cracks.

What do you do to motivate yourself? Do you have a similar form of distraction? This form is not always positive, but it works for me. Now that I've distracted myself from cleaning my office and then working, I think I'll get up and go clean the bathroom so I can exercise. ;)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Auntie Jennie!

I am pretty excited, today I may become an aunt to my first niece on my side! My sister is getting induced as we speak. I am going to be driving up to see her very soon.

This will be the first baby in our immediate family, and my parents first grandchild. My sister has been going through so much!

I plan on taking my video camera and capturing some of the moments. If she says it's ok, I will share them here.


Here are some fun pictures of my sister and me when we were little.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Things have been going ok.

I have had a toothache, and get to go back to the dentist again today.

I have not been sick with anything crazy.

The holidays have been great.

My iPhone makes me happy.

My sister has been pregnant and will be having a little girl any moment now.

My husband has been out of work.

I have been less hungry than normal.

I've kept my office clean.

I've been spending a lot of time with my Sister-in-Law, Autumn.

I have been going to bed extremely early.

My mind feels crazy.

I have been craving healthier foods. (Carrots, fruit, nothing at all)

I have wanted to sleep all day.